Marv Neal was stunned after being denied custody of his son by the Department of Children and Families in 2008.
“DCF made assumptions about me, without any knowledge of who I am,” he recalls. “I was married and a homeowner with a house full of kids. I came from an upstanding home with two parents. But they told me I had to prove myself, and the only way to gain their trust was to go through their fatherhood program. It really angered me. But I’d do anything for my children. So I signed up.”
Not only did Marv complete the 13-week course, he ultimately decided to make it his life’s work. “It taught me so much,” he says. “On day one, I was a convert. I saw there was a lot I could learn from the Nurturing Fathers curriculum—aspects of parenting I had no experience with. For example, I grew up during a time when we were told that ‘boys don’t cry,’ and I argued with the instructor about my belief that boys always have to be strong. Then I began to understand how that message teaches boys to be desensitized and to hide their emotions.” Through the course, Marv realized how vital it was for men to be expressive and to take their place in their children’s lives.
“A lot of fathers think the mother’s got it all taken care of, and their role is just to be a provider and disciplinarian,” he comments. “But it’s so much more than that, and families have much better outcomes when fathers get involved in their kids’ lives.”
The program also sparked two important friendships for Marv as he got to know fellow parent Xavier Cardona and DCF employee Patrick Kromah. Together the three men created 365Dad Inc., a nonprofit organization that offers the 13-week Nurturing Fathers program and more.
365Dad offers four sessions a year of the Nurturing Fathers course, and since 2016 has been an official partner of DCF, the same agency that had challenged Marv in the beginning. Each group consists of up to 25 men (fathers, grandfathers, or any kind of father figure) who come together for a weekly two-hour meeting that includes dinner. Roughly 100 fathers complete all 13 weeks each year, and after their graduation, biweekly meetings help keep their relationships and commitments strong.
In 2016, Marv also began broadcasting the message more widely through a radio show on the new Urban Heat 98.1 radio station, where he was Director of Marketing. Nine years later, the Sunday afternoon show is still going strong, Marv now owns the station, and he, Xavier, and Patrick have developed a couple of new programs for 365Dad. Currently in process is the Young Announcers program, which will help young people realize their dreams of working in media. They also created the Boys2Mentoring program to teach boys the fundamentals of becoming men.
“We help boys understand that being a man doesn’t necessarily mean being tough,” Marv explains. “It can mean a bunch of things, not just one particular thing. A lot of times men are discounted for what they bring to the table, aside from money and discipline. Nurturing is a part of manhood, too. We don’t hear enough as men about how important that role is.”
Sometimes Marv takes his teaching outside of the classroom to help participants see the profound changes they can create in their everyday lives, as in a story he tells about one memorable dad.
“This big guy, 6-foot-3 with a football player physique, told the group a story about how he was raised. Whenever he acted up, his dad would put a foot in his chest. So that was how he was now disciplining his own son. But his son was constantly getting in trouble.”
Marv had met the son and seen for himself that the boy seemed troubled. “So I asked the dad to meet me at the park,” Marv says. “I brought my son, and he brought his. I tossed the dad a football, which he immediately passed to his son, saying, ‘You kids go on and play.’”
“I told him no, we were going to all play together, fathers and sons. Then, after a few tosses, I told him I’d be right back, and my son and I left them throwing the ball between just the two of them.”
“I had never seen his son smile until then. The dad was laughing. Later, as we were leaving, he said it was the first time he had ever taken his child to the park and played with him. I said, ‘Don’t let it be the last.’
At the group the next week, he came over and hugged me, saying, ‘I don’t know what it was, but my son didn’t get in trouble all week.’”
“That’s just the beginning, I told him. You’ve got a daughter too!”
“Before the group,” Marv says, “I had no idea how to play with my kids either. But afterwards, I would play house with my daughter, sitting at the table with little cups, sipping tea. I even let her paint my nails!”
“Understanding that children have voices—that was all new to me,” he continues. “We were always told children should be seen and not heard. But once you allow your children the opportunity to speak, you learn so much. It’s truly an amazing journey being a father.”
Current needs at 365Dad include funding/donations and volunteers who can offer guidance in setting up technical systems and infrastructure, including bookkeeping and tax reporting. If you’d like to get involved, please use the 365Dad contact form or call 617-238-7105.
